I am currently editing a part of my book on relationships (the intimate kind) and it got me thinking if what really constitute how a relationship can be considered a success.
I think part of the way society tries to drum into us a ‘successful’ relationship is one where we are together with our partners for a long time, get married and stay ‘happily ever after.’ I come to a realization that those who believe in such things are those who haven’t ever been in relationships before and their only ‘experience’ of relationships come from movies.
Relationships are tough. No two-ways about it.
No doubt, some people get it easy in relationships. But I realize that these people are those people that are not adventurous at all. Often people who have been together for a long time but don’t want to call it quits is not because they find it unhappy but rather they don’t want the uncomfort of not being in a relationship.
I think the best measure for relationship success is authenticity.
Most of us lack authenticity in our relationship. We put on a certain mask because we are afraid that if our partners find out who we are, he/she will leave. We try to attract other people not by who we are but rather who we want to be known (our masks).
However, our societal tendency is to put a focus not on authenticity but rather on the length of the relationship. When such is the focus (on the length), there is a tendency to just hold on to it even though it is unhappy because we are afraid. We are afraid of change and the emotional turbulence it comes with.
Relationships end. I don’t think I am a pessimist for saying that.
Relationships are hard because we are human beings who change. Relationships are the interation between two constantly changing person.
If you expect a relationship not to end, you will ultimately suffer. This is because you try to cling on to the relationship by being someone you are not. When you do that, you ultimately suffer because what we all want is just a sense of acceptance of who we are.
When we have to constantly put on masks to others in order to be accepted, we ultimately lose ourselves.
This reminds me of this quote I read from A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson:
”A special (ego) relationship perpetuates the self-punishing masquerade in which we all seek desperately to attract love through being someone we’re not. Although we’re seeking love, we’re actually fostering our own self-hatred and lack of self-esteem.”
To me, I have learned to not treat relationships as something I should hold on forever. What’s most important is my authenticity.
I am open to the fact that relationships do end. What I need to make sure of if whether I am losing myself in the relationship.
Those in relationships need to constantly ask themselves: Is this who I am?
Authenticity comes first. Do not compromise on this.
