Archives for category: Consciousness
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Do I Have A Life?

May 19, 2012 //
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I often find myself in this dilemma. I wonder if I do “have a life” – that kind of life which other people think is hip or cool. Something like that. That kind of life where you have a vibrant social life and doing all the best things in life. You know, those cool things in life which you ought to do, or at least, want to be doing.

In that aspect, I don’t have a life. I don’t have a stable social life at the moment. Frankly, I am not interested to mix around not because I am anti-social. I’m just afraid that I will lose myself when I over-socialize. Losing myself means losing the identity of who I am – being someone because other people want me to be something else. I see this often in people in relationships or people who are in a group of friends. They place their focus on trying to please other people or adopt the beliefs that other people have to a point that they don’t know who they are and what they want.

Frankly, I am very scared of that.

That fear is so great that very often, I find it hard to mix with my friends. I’m not ready for that. I think the worst thing in life isn’t when you are broke or sick; it’s when you lose yourself.

Imagine the feeling where you totally have no idea who you are. You have allowed the ideas which are accepted by the general norm; and you allow it to control your life. This is similar to the movie Inception.

I find life so bored at times. However, a greater part of me WANTS to be bored. I have no idea why.

The only reason I could think of is that I want to express and the creative process requires you to be bored. I am not keen with social meetups which are meaningless. I find many social meetup to be pathetic comparison of material items or random chats about the latest relationship hookup in the group.

I am hungry for something deeper. I don’t want a mediocre and pathetic life worrying about petty stuffs.

I’m not sure if it’s right for me to let go of my social life at present, but frankly, I don’t feel I need them for now. I once had a friend tell me that we all need to go through certain stages of our lives where we would be hermits. We want to step away from others for a while.

I guess I am there. Random ramblings. It’s been long since I last wrote for myself. The past few months I had some wonderful writing jobs which came my way. But it wasn’t the writing that I want. I love to write to express – no structure, no rules.

Categories Consciousness, Creativity, Relationships, Thoughts

The Beauty of Negative Emotions

March 14, 2012 //
2

I am now sitting on my table doing some thinking.

As I grow older, I realize that nothing really matters. Everything is ultimately petty things.  Nothing is truly as important as we put it to be.

We may think at a certain point in our lives that a certain worry, situation or feeling can be so overwhelming that it seems so important, but trust me, nothing is ever that important.

When I tell myself that, I feel at peace with myself.

Whatever that I thought I regret, become an old story of mine now.

Whatever criticism I received, mean’t nothing now.

Whatever sadness that I experienced, is a catalyst for happiness.

Whatever heart-break that I experience, is the catalyst for greater courage.

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This moments of peace comes once in a while. I feel that nothing in the future would make me happier. Changing anything in the past would not make me happier.

I am here as I am. Fully accepting of what has happened and what will happen.

My past doesn’t matter.

My future doesn’t either.

 

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Categories Consciousness, Happiness, Thoughts

Standing Alone

September 29, 2011 //
1

To a certain extent, I believe that the relationship we have when we are alone is just about the most important.

Anyone who can’t spend time alone is just about the kind of person who would never have a great relationship with others. If you are able to spend time alone, you can have a great time with anyone.

However, to stand alone is a different thing. To stand alone is the ability to be one with one own’s believe and opinions. To not be worried about public opinion. To not be so easily influenced by others.

This is extremely important isn’t it.

Yes. We are social creatures.

But standing alone without fear is what we all should aim for. Not to be easily swayed by the opinions of others.

Categories Consciousness, Ideas, Mindset

Finding The Blessing

September 8, 2011 //
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Things aren’t going as well as I want it to be two weeks ago. I felt lost. I didn’t know where I am going all of a sudden.

I think to a certain extent this started when I start comparing myself with some of my friends who are in steady jobs. We were out hanging out for drinks when they all seem to have a steady and certain lifestyle. They seem to be doing steady while I am still in this part of my life of uncertainty and unknowingness.

I chose it that way, upon further reflection.

I chose this uncertain lifestyle. But sometimes I forget that I chose this lifestyle. I forget that I chose to be a writer and someone who works from home. I forget that I chose to not have a full-time job which pays a steady income. I chose it myself.

But in that comparison with other people, I become uncertain. I am not in their path of things. I felt like I was left behind. Comparisons just make myself bad.

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It is after that few days of feeling down and lost that I realize that I am actually doing what I wanted.

I needed some time to find the blessing. To understand why I am on a certain path. Why I choose to be a writer. Why  I choose to be a real estate agent. Why I choose to start up my own businesses.

I think I fail to see the blessing in my choices of wanting freedom and an avenue to express. Mixing around with my friends dragged me down. I am not saying that they are bad or judging them, but what we want is just different.

I want:

  • Control over my life
  • The ability to express
  • Not following a certain schedule
  • Just doing things for the sake of it

I need constant reminder on the blessing of those choices that I make. As for now, I am just floating around feeling blessed. Blessed with a sense of doing what I love and just having the courage to pursue them.

Fark comparison. I’m doing great. Call me stubborn, I don’t care.

 

 

p.s. I hate grammar. I hate my book being edited by grammar people and being known that I have plenty of grammar mistakes. Writing should be an avenue of expression.

Categories Consciousness, Emotions, Happiness, Ideas, Success, Thoughts
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