I often find myself in this dilemma. I wonder if I do “have a life” – that kind of life which other people think is hip or cool. Something like that. That kind of life where you have a vibrant social life and doing all the best things in life. You know, those cool things in life which you ought to do, or at least, want to be doing.

In that aspect, I don’t have a life. I don’t have a stable social life at the moment. Frankly, I am not interested to mix around not because I am anti-social. I’m just afraid that I will lose myself when I over-socialize. Losing myself means losing the identity of who I am – being someone because other people want me to be something else. I see this often in people in relationships or people who are in a group of friends. They place their focus on trying to please other people or adopt the beliefs that other people have to a point that they don’t know who they are and what they want.

Frankly, I am very scared of that.

That fear is so great that very often, I find it hard to mix with my friends. I’m not ready for that. I think the worst thing in life isn’t when you are broke or sick; it’s when you lose yourself.

Imagine the feeling where you totally have no idea who you are. You have allowed the ideas which are accepted by the general norm; and you allow it to control your life. This is similar to the movie Inception.

I find life so bored at times. However, a greater part of me WANTS to be bored. I have no idea why.

The only reason I could think of is that I want to express and the creative process requires you to be bored. I am not keen with social meetups which are meaningless. I find many social meetup to be pathetic comparison of material items or random chats about the latest relationship hookup in the group.

I am hungry for something deeper. I don’t want a mediocre and pathetic life worrying about petty stuffs.

I’m not sure if it’s right for me to let go of my social life at present, but frankly, I don’t feel I need them for now. I once had a friend tell me that we all need to go through certain stages of our lives where we would be hermits. We want to step away from others for a while.

I guess I am there. Random ramblings. It’s been long since I last wrote for myself. The past few months I had some wonderful writing jobs which came my way. But it wasn’t the writing that I want. I love to write to express – no structure, no rules.